The idea of nosyness is something that is intrinsic to man. We are all curious by nature. Having a zest to learn, means asking right questions. But, what I struggle with at times – and this happens at any age – is the overly inquisitive nature of a question that actually has another question behind it.
The trick played on us is that the question asked of us is actually covering up another question – but the funny thing is that other question is not asked, just the first question. We are not talking about open ended questions that keep free form discussion but the question coming from a parent or a loved one that actually is trying to get the answer to B, when they are only asking question A, expecting you to give the answer for B while asking A. Kinda weird, huh?
There have been situations where I get irritated by the questions people ask me. If you are like me, you probably get that extra boost of irritation when you parents ask you certain questions. Some of the questions from them that make the top of my list are:
- Where are you?
- What are you doing?
- Why do you do that?
- Why are you going out?
- What about your future?
You know where I am going because you also have likely got a dose of similar questions and there a countless questions!
Have you really looked at why these kinds of questions may be annoying? I was actually geeking out over this very question when my dad asked me a series of questions a while ago that seemed to rev me up! It wasn’t the fact that he is a parent and just needs to know something. It’s somehow part of the parental DNA to just be curious about their children and I get it – to look after my well-being as his child, regardless of my age.
However, what I have discovered is that there are fine lines that we as humans cross that create irritation through the questions we ask. It is more than the comfort zone we have with the individual, it has more to do with the nature of the question behind the question. It boils down to what will you do with this information – the difference between really what we really need to know and what is nice to know. We need to understand the boundaries – it’s critical for maintaining good relationships.
Here are some ideas for actions we can take to reduce other people’s irritation. These ideas are more related to reducing irritation upon asking a particular question rather than an individuals state that you are not aware of.
These 4 ideas may not solve every irritating situation, but they can certainly help control it:
- Get real about what the motive is behind the question you are asking. Are you seeking answers to compare your situation with theirs? Think about what the other person will feel if you ask the question. Do you need to know how much fun someone is having or is this just nice to know to satisfy your own ego? Do you need to know how someone’s relationship is going so you can draw comparisons with yours? Do you need to know how many calories someone is consuming, so you can gauge how fat or how thin they are compared to your body?
- Assess the quality of your relationship with this person. Symptoms of irritation likely revolve around the quality of bond you have with the inquisitive person. If you have a more formal relationship with someone – one where there is not open dialogue on issues even if in the family, don’t expect them to open up to you with answers to questions you want, even if they are a child. Respect the space the person is operating under as you are likely the contributor to creating that space from you.
- Provide value to the person. People want advice and really good advice. People don’t want criticism, they want constructive feedback. Be ready, if needed, to provide some sort of value to the person you are directing your question to. For example, if you are a parent asking a child about their job and they say that it sucks or that they are not able to get any business leads, can you offer to help to put them in touch with the right people, contacts, or just good advice. If you can’t help them out, don’t ask anything as it sometimes builds more discomfort.
- Recognize the symptoms of irritation and immediately stop asking the question. You will notice some moanin’ some groanin’ on the part of the person immediately if you ask something uncomfortable. It will be some sort of a whining tone. They may even roll back their eyes. The immediate signal will be a raised voice on their part saying something like “why do you want to know that?” Listen to these signals. They are getting uncomfortable with the topic and want you to back off. Stop poking needles into the situation and making things worse. I understand, for example as as a parent it will be tough to back out. Let the child come to you about their problem and when they do open up your arms with love, listen to them and just give them a pep talk to pick them up.