Well, here we go again! Another parental interaction and another piss-poor blunder by the ‘rents.
This time a lesson in the aggregation of criticism and the consequence it has moving forward. It’s been a continuous habit by my mom – every time I meet – to make a some stupid critical comment about the way that I look – whether it be a minor weight gain or loss, my bald look, sometimes looking tall in a pair of shoes or short, or if I have been spending too much time in the sun or not.
The odd behavior of picking on me could be due to her own insecurities of being a single child and having some imperfections in life but at my age (in my 40s!) to continuously pick on how I look is taking things a bit too far in my opinion.
I know some of you reading this may think that parents should be allowed to say whatever they want and that I should just tolerate it. Well, even after talking to my dad on many occasions about this odd behavior pattern, I have come to some conclusions that tolerance through the act of meeting frequently does not do good for either party.
I mean they are not picking on something I did – an act or verbal statement. I am getting picked on how I look – how I am aging – and how my body is changing over time – something I have LIMITED CONTROL OVER! And it is pissing me off!
The larger problem is that I may just be a victim of parental insecurities and not following a lifestyle in alignment with their standards. I get it – I am a product of Indian parents who believe that children need to follow a prescribed code of conduct that includes being a victim of silly diatribes.
I am going to eat that slice of pizza everyone now and then that may make my cheeks chubby. I like food. I am going to get out in the sun so I can go for walks so a tan here doesn’t hurt. I like working out. I am definitely not going to get a hair transplant or buy a wig to cover my bald head. I have many people tell me my bald look is great. So, why criticize the look?
What many people don’t realize from this kind of criticism – over and over again – is that it eats you inside. It makes you seem worthless and low as dirt and worse – coming from parents – questions your very existence to be in this world.
From the parents side, it seems as if they are doing some kind of great service to society pointing to my imperfection. What they don’t realize is that over time – the continuous pecking – takes root and just can’t be tolerated any longer. The volcano eventually explodes.
I am not going to do anything crazy – my mind is way too strong for that – but there are tons and tons of kids out there who I know are suffering worse than I from continuous criticisms from their parents on how they look.
There are many kids out there who are abandoned by mothers and fathers for being born retarded, missing a limb, or for being born another color. A terrible act.
A criticism about a child’s look coming from a parent is equivalent to the parent ripping their kids heart out and eating it. Picture that!
I have to ask the hard question to parents – why are you procreating to bring life into this world only to criticize your creation?
Ok, once in a while to poke fun at the way the kid looks may be ok – but every time you see them? Don’t you realize you are the contributing factor to their insanity – and believe me they are going crazy playing the “am I worthy to be here” mind-game. There are kids all over the world who are made fun of by their parents for their weight, depression, anxiety, etc.
So, what the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you realize that the #1 fan for their support they are looking for is you?
I don’t care if your kid is 5, 10, 15, 25, 40, 50, 60, 70+ years old – they are emotional beings with a right to be here in the world – and you have no right to continuously criticism how they look or poke fun at them.
I find it funny in these cases as parents get older – why they think there is a wall between themselves and their kids? Why the kids don’t see them often? or why they don’t call? Gee whiz – the answer is how you treated them!
Listen up idiotic parents who have been the victim of the wall – you are the creators of the wall!
Considering my parents – I am really not sure what to do. Yes, it hurts that they say things. It sucks that I have mentioned it on many occasions and they don’t do anything about it. It really sucks that it happens pretty much every time I interact in person with time.
Here are some things to think about and even execute if you are in the predicament I am in:
Don’t ever think that you are worthless. You are in this world for a whole slew of amazingly great reasons that only you will discover. Do things that interest you. Spend your time around those who value you. Give back to others in ways they will never forget. Be proud to be yourself.
Stop being angry at the ‘rents as it makes your spirit look ugly. This is tough one – I know. The wound is deep with the continuous bombardments of “you look fat”, “have you been out in the sun?” and “get a wig,” type of comments which have accumulated over time and there is no escape from the hurt it has created – but you have to find a way to forgive. Let’s not forget – but let’s forgive. Anger will destroy your inner well-being. You must learn to keep this at a distance. You will initially be very angry like the “idotic”, “piss-poor” adjectives I have used but your parents are innocent and in the long run it is better to just keep the hurt contained.
Make the Parents aware that you will be limiting interactions with them. Some sort of limited interaction is a must – and is unfortunate considering my parents are getting older and need me from time to time – but has to be done to maintain your sanity. Criticism about actions are one thing – but character criticism is too deep an area. You will have to limit face-to-face interaction, Facetime, phone calls and family gatherings. I used to meet my ‘rents twice a week – however, an escalation in my hurt has reduced 1-hour interactions from twice a week to once a week and am contemplating incorporating a 30 minute quick dinner date to maintain being in touch. Hopefully no harm done to my psyche in this much time. I live close by so this may suffice. If you are out of town, you may need to break away from the phone or social media for some time.
Make sure the parents have a good explanation to others regarding your increased absence. This is an important one. The parents need to know why you are not interacting with them and it has to do with their behavior.
Make sure any corrective behavior can be rewarded. The reward is increased time that give you a feeling of acceptance and belonging. This one will likely take time based on how quickly the ‘rents want to improve – but it is possible. I would say the only way is for them to get around this is to start looking at the imperfections of everyone in their life and paying a compliment and start practicing compliments over and over again.
I know these measures may be extreme but changing corrective behavior is key to the well-being of children and making sure the message is clear that they belong in this world. If more parents could just heed this advice – perhaps their relationship with their own children could be stronger.