Many of you reading this know that I am very happily divorced – with a bonus of having no kids – woo hoo! What this means is that I have the ability to create unlimited time and space for myself and geek out over areas of importance that millions around the world are confronted with such as (drum roll): the Arranged Marriage.
A text message I just got from a close friend about arranged marriages triggered my interest to write this post so I have decided to explain what I think sets an arranged marriage apart from a love marriage and get into some details as to why my marriage failed for your learning pleasure.
The definition of an arranged marriage varies based on culture, geography, and social context. To me an arranged marriage means that your decision to marry someone is in someone else’s hand and you don’t have a choice but to marry that person. It’s a no-win situation for you and love can be built up over time if you are one of the lucky couples or it can be a miserable relationship.
In some cases, an arranged marriage can be interpreted as “semi-arranged” (nothing more than a deviation of arranged marriages) where two individuals are introduced by a parent, family member or very close friend, and if the potential couple likes each other after dating (no matter how long or short) or if they see a long-term relationship they can make the decision to move forward with marriage as they see fit.
The great thing about the semi-arranged situation is that a decision is up to each individual to move forward or not with the choice at hand. The bad thing is that it is set up by family members who will question you as to why you are not interested in marrying the person who they worked so hard to set up – and will try to explain concepts of adjustment, etc to make you feel guilty so you are expected to marry the person. Worse case is if one person likes you and the other doesn’t, it becomes awkward between families to say “no” so many kids just succumb to the pressure of time and family variables and make a poor decision to just get married.
Regarding the love marriage. Well this is what fairy tales are made of, right? Two people dating for an unspecified period of time and making a collective decision to get married. The good thing here is that the couple thinks time has allowed the space to realize the love for each other. The problem is that the space doesn’t provide adequate context to reflect long-term commitment which can make even love marriages unpredictable.
Before going in to why my marriage failed, I am going to explain the three parts leading to marriage which applies to arranged, semi-arranged, and love marriages:
- Part 1: The cultural motives and level of enthusiasm driving a meeting with a suitable partner
- Part 2: The emotions developed during the meeting
- Part 3: The feelings your gut says about progressing toward a marriage after meeting
The one element that is difficult to predict with semi-arranged and love marriages is time. Every person has their own battle-rhythm for engaging and dating a suitable partner and we can’t put days or minutes in between this factor.
One thing evident with traditional arranged marriages is that the element of time is non-existent. Meaning you can by-pass all three parts and enter into a marriage without even seeing your partner which is common in some cultures – and emotional attachment may or may not take root.
For simplicity, let’s focus more on non-traditional arranged marriages or the semi-arranged phenomenon whereby two partners are introduced to each other and proceed to get married based on their decision. Note: we are not talking about choice. Marriage does have something to do with choice, but before that, you must have the drive or the decision to want to get married by which choices are made. In many cases, we think we should get married but the reality is that we don’t really want to and you need to listen deep within to understand where you stand or the forces preventing you from doing so.
Let’s break down each part.
Part 1: Cultural Motives and Enthusiasm Behind Mediums of Connecting
A cultural motive is any principle that has taken root defined by the environment in which you are growing up that tells you that you need to do something because everyone else is doing it. This can be anything like getting a set of Beats headphones because everyone is listening to it or buying a home in a particular neighborhood because your BFF just moved there. Get my point? Marriage is a similar thing. We are lead many times to believe that marriage is good for us because everyone does it or that we will be alone in life without a partner or that we just need the emotional support.
In India, marriage is a seen as a rights of passage – a means of growing up. The concept of “settling” by parents is important here as until you are married you will always be viewed as someone who is not anchored – essentially a loose cannon with no direction – as if your spouse will be the guide for you – c’mon! All this stuff about cultural motives is complete crap. Settling is another word for giving up or trading your personal freedom to satisfy your parent’s wishes – not yours! The only thing that matters is whether you think marriage is right for you. You have to have the drive within you to want to marry and to settle down and there is no other way around this.
Let’s get into mediums of connection. A medium is the means by which people are brought together. In India, millions of people put newspaper ads of bio-data (biographical descriptions of candidates) out there for the “right connection” and they eagerly open up the stack of responses with pictures and descriptions of the “fair and lovelies” or the “tall, dark and handsomes.” So, the mail is the medium. In other cases like Match.com or Shaadi.com the medium of connecting is the internet. In many “love” marriages, this is one of the mediums of choice. In some cases the medium could be a blind-date or a social network event. Mediums of connecting are important as they provide clues in understanding what level of enthusiasm you have about the connection – your level of excitement in wanting to meet someone.
If you are just not interested in sending your bio-data this may provide some seeds of failure for your relationship. If you think online dating is lame and pointless activity and you have no enthusiasm for posting your picture and writing a quick summary about yourself – well, even if you find the “right” person online – you may be shocked that Mr. or Ms Right isn’t really that right after-all.
What is my point here? Simple: Your attitude drives the quality of your relationship and it begins even before you meet your partner. If you are not enthusiastic about the process of connecting with someone you may not be able to sustain the connection over time.
Part 2: The Meeting and Strength of Emotional Attachment Developed
This part is not for those folks who are basing their relationship on “falling in love at first sight” or a feeling of lust and sexual excitement. This part is for those folks who have a driving curiosity to get to know someone who in Part 1 is seen as interesting. If you are in India, and the thoughts of boxes of sweets stacked up on a coffee table to cajole you to fall in love with the family (note: I didn’t say potential candidate) scare you – you are not alone – and running away from the situation may be a suitable protocol.
So what happens when you meet? Well, one thing is nothing – there is no emotional attachment. No IT factor in the person you are hanging out with. You are just not seeing a long-term relationship.
Another thing that can happen is that you are attached but it comes in a form of “wanting” a second date – meaning there is something here – some sort of potential. The person peaks your interest. A problem here is that it may be driven by “physical looks” and not long-term “character looks” and you may get confused. In some cases you may have one and not the other. The thing here is that both parties MUST have the same outlook on life, looks, and character. Looks could die out – the sex may die out – the honeymoon will die out.
The problem with semi-arranged relationships is that the element of time creeps up quickly. In India, the meeting is seen as families getting together first, and then the parents will tell the kids that they can go to a room and talk. This whole thing is a process that you have to enjoy. If it is a drag and a chore – your marriage will be a drag and chore.
What is my message here? When you meet there needs to be something there that drives you come back to the person – this “something” is the initial seed of emotional attachment and there is no give and take. The selection process is not a trade-off like some pundits say like you need to give up something of your preference.
Your BIG preferences are non-negotiable and can include what you value as important such as looks, quality of life, morals, values, religion, or general philosophy on life. Be truthful and honest with yourself. Realize people change. If you can’t see through to someone – run. If you don’t find the person interesting – run. If looks are important and they don’t hit the mark – run. If you are looking for someone rich and they don’t meet your standards of living – run. If the whole family meeting thing is lame – run. Get my point?
Don’t drag yourself through muddy waters for no reason. If however, you are cool and relaxed and open-minded and meeting someone has developed something that could be explored further – by all means go for it and meet a few more times or even move in together to see what sharing a common space is really like.
Part 3: Your Gut Feeling and What it Says to Drive the Relationship toward Marriage
Ok, so you have met (at least once) and you are now dating or living together. One thing to keep in mind, is that the dating period could be a few meetings and the timeframe to know someone can vary. Some couples can meet just 2-3 times and without any pressure enter into a marriage. This happens in semi-arranged marriages. They both have the same mindset and goals. Others such as in “love” relationships can live for years together and not get married.
The one factor to shift from Dating Couple to Married Couple (let’s set aside the whole engagement period here since it varies) is what your gut says. This is the only thing that matters. Your gut – your conscience – your inner light – your “guardian angel”- the whatever your call that “thing that helps you make a decision” is what you need to listen to – AND NO ONE ELSE! and you NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF – BRUTALLY HONEST!
Folks, the motives behind a marriage are buried deep in people. Some are about what you want: fame, money, sex, kids, jobs, lifestyle to name a few. Other motives (such as in India are driven by what other folks want for you): family history, traditions, religion, “what will people say if you don’t get married”, the “you gotta settle down” phenomenon, or the classic respect for elders.
My point here is that your gut speaks louder than anything else but we fail to listen to it. We let others convince us what is good for us. We seek the approval of others for the relationships we want to have rather than make our own decision.
Here is one truth about love marriages and traditional arrange marriages: the long-term success of a relationship whether you are in love or building love will be driven by unconditional motives. If any motive takes root that bothers you – that relationship is not for you. Characteristics of ego, lust, anger, hatred, greed, and jealousy are reasons to walk away from any relationship. People will not change in this world. Their motives will drive them to make you insane and you need to walk away from these relationships.
So, why did my marriage fail? There were several reasons and all take root in each part described above before I even getting married:
- I didn’t listen to my conscience (i.e., gut) that was talking loudly before I even got engaged. This is probably the root cause of it all. I would say that the reason why I continued the relationship is because I got caught up with a series of external forces such as the thrill of realizing family commonalities, time my parents put forth to find a partner, nice meeting I had with the family, fear that I am getting older and need to settle down, uncertainty in finding the future right partner, relationship of the family with my aunt, and the Janampatri, a birth horoscope which matched my suitable candidate in several areas convincing me nothing can go wrong. All of these forces combined create a flow built into a Indo-Marketing phenomenon analogous to grabbing a food product from a grocery store shelf that a close relative told me was great for me, having my doubts about the product, failing to read the fine print that there is an ingredient in there that is bad for me with long-term consequences, buying and consuming the product, and realizing that I now have permanent food poison.
- I thought the whole family meeting up thing (i.e,, medium) was a lame part of the whole process – particularly when the family had my bio-data in hand – and for which I thought I was being interviewed by the family, not my partner. I was in my late 20’s and I thought time was also against me. I should have observed my level of enthusiasm here as it did dampen my spirit. In hindsight, I think the whole family meet up thing should be avoided and people should go straight to dating if they can.
- I let my decisions be carried forth by family members who convinced me that the person was very good for me. Both the family and suitable partner were very good – there is no denying that. Everyone was great and I am very gracious for their time in my life. The issue is that while someone looks good on paper, it doesn’t mean that they are best for you. Even I am guilty here. Not everyone is compatible even if others think they are. Best to just remain friends with everyone and move on.
- There were numerous uncomfortable emotions I felt while being around the person (i.e,, meetings). I don’t want to get into details here but all I will say is that you need to listen to how comfortable your partner makes you feel. If there is any doubt or discomfort – the relationship will not sustain itself. Being comfortable is a two-way street – any one way path here and a power struggle will erupt between the couple.
So folks, there you have it. Did I learn from this – yes! Could I have avoided this – yes. Did I give my marriage a chance during the time we were together – yes. Do I have regrets about what I did? – initially yes, but now in hindsight a divorce was the path towards not just my liberation but the liberation of my ex-wife.
Reflecting back, it is very likely what my semi-arranged marriage was already set to fail before I even got married. I may have set myself up for an Arranged Divorce.
The question we should not be asking is: whether a divorce is caused by someone getting into a semi-arranged marriage? A key point here is that divorce is so rampant in love marriages even with these relationships having greater elements of time and space for the couples to get to know one another that there really is no edge.
The larger question you need to ask to get this edge occurs before even getting married and it is: Are you listening to yourself through clues given around 1. your level of enthusiasm for finding a future partner, 2. your strength of emotional attachment and level of comfort being around your future partner, and 3. your gut feeling about wanting to be in a marriage with your future partner, to avoid an Arranged Divorce?