Your harshest critic, other than yourself, will likely be a parent, sibling, significant other, or friend very close to you. There really is no way to control other people’s behavior but what will happen either over time, or on a recurring basis is that one of these folks will get under your skin and impact your level of happiness.
There are many things we can do like stomp our feet, yell back, and try diplomatic measures such as sitting down and having a discussion with these folks, but it’s a common dilemma many find ourselves in to re-program other people’s behavior pattern to adapt to ours – and these measures simply don’t work.
In other words, there is a chasm between their way of thinking and ours that is deeply rooted in our philosophy of living, values, and personal operating system.
Parents, for example, will try to establish authority, control, and some level of governance around you. Worse yet, they will make you feel guilty for not achieving certain goals they want – this can be such things as wanting you to go to a specific college, marry someone from their faith, or attend a specific family event.
A loved one, such as significant other, will place importance on your inability to meet their needs, not having enough time to spend with them, or being out of the communication loop.
Friends will tell you to do things that may go beyond your personal operating system and encourage you to try a new drink, smoke a cigarette, or even try drugs. You may even be the victim of name-calling and peer pressure that will suck you into actions that you may not want to perform.
Again, there is no way we can control others to adapt to our way of thinking. Adaptation is a measure of others recognition of your physical, mental, and social limitations without impacting your sense of being. Yet, what happens is that these individuals suck the happiness that reside within us through their redundant and pointless comments and actions that without cognizance is impacting our sense of well-being.
So, what to do? The easiest is to withdraw or detach which is common – we see this as the flight approach, as opposed to the fight approach. However, is there is a better, more sensible approach then full detachment AND still be able to sustain some degree of internal happiness and association with others?
I mean, we can’t just break our relationship? Or, can we? In some cases this may actually be necessary, especially in relationships that are physically and mentally violent – like friendships that go beyond your morals and values. You will need to be the best judge here.
What happens when we get unhappy is that we react based on an impact to our defense mechanism that has been tampered with – this is an impact to our outer shell. This is generally an emotional response to something critical about ourselves or an action that we don’t like or appreciate.
We make up our “mind” immediately to take action in these cases. We generally do the first thing that comes to our mind – we get defensive. We roll our eyes, we raise our voices, we point fingers, we scream off the top of our lungs – and sadly, we may even be provoked to raise our hand.
What is hidden and unrealized is that there is another layer within us that is deeply knowledgeable and driven by “intellect” that is actually non-violent and at the seed of “the right thing to do.” This inner being is not attached to emotions – and for this very reason is non-violent. It has nothing to be angry about.
However, we don’t recognize it as such, and allow the inner being (what we really are) to be superseded and clouded by our physical outer shell which is attached our emotions (what we immediately feel) and triggers defense measures. This is why we hit others as a response or pick up a gun as our inner non-attached being is clouded by our outer attached being.
The happiness we show to others, is based many times on false marketing we portray to make others happy – which is False happiness. We show others we are happy by smiling possibly to make their day better when we are really stressed inside – again False happiness. Actions for happiness at the cost of making you unhappy is also False happiness. Reacting to others abruptly and irrationally as a means of resolving issues doesn’t really solve anything and leads to False happiness.
The answer to finding inner True happiness resides on those things that value the most to you. In this realm there is nothing to hide from. What is in your outer shell is actually a reflection of your inner being. This True-happiness is the feeling of joy within that has no attachment to external critics or impact to the external body.
Understanding the seat of True happiness sets the stage to thicken your skin of outer happiness. Here are my personal 7 foundations of True Happiness that may help you realize your inner joy:
- Happiness is fully within our control. We are the driver and passenger to our happiness. We are at the forefront of our mind-set to control what poison we want to take from others that can destroy our inner joy. In the end, we control the flood-gates of our inner joy – nothing anyone says or does can impact us.
- Happiness is never anything we can give to others. If we think we are doing this, it is simply in the form of materialistic goods (i.e, the engagement ring, the mansion by the lake, the sports car) that may provide some bursts of joy, but like all material things our attachment to this will dissipate, and with it will go our joy.
- Happiness is an emotional characteristic that is indescribable and self-sustainable. Isn’t it common that people cry when they are happy? This is probably the closest we see in reality as to what real joy is that resides in others. However, True happiness has no form, can’t be described to others, and can be extended by ourselves fully beyond any limitation we set.
- Happiness is not dependent on others. You can’t expect someone to make you happy. This is a joke. You have to be practical and realize that happiness doesn’t come in a box. You have to find our own treasure for happiness and not realize it is not in the hands of others – it is within.
- Happiness is not conditionally time-based. There are no “if this person does this action, then I will be happy” or “when I do this, I will be happy” situations. Happiness is real-time and only to be realized in the now. There is no such thing as future happiness and anything you are attached to in the past is a memory.
- Happiness can be sustained indefinitely and is not based on situations or events. This is how victims and survivors of war, mass executions, calamities, and other atrocities get over their situation. These individuals are continuously extending internal feel good factors regardless of situation and circumstance. Better yet, they have mastered the art of carrying happiness wherever they go.
- Happiness is not equal to or based on shared experiences with others. Happiness is independent of others. Happiness is not based on dependencies with others. Situations where common or mutual feelings of joy are displayed or felt carry no value to be talked about in the long run as they are deeply personal. Silence is the real measure of the value of joy to be felt. Better yet, closing your eyes will deepen the feeling and realize gains of joy that can’t be qualified or quantified.