I am not a parent but if I was, I can imagine the feeling when children leave the home. There is a common behavior pattern with parents that is generally displayed to simply hold on and not let go – but the truth to parenting is that one shouldn’t look at what they are holding on to, but look at themselves and gauge if they are still being held on to by their own parents.
Yes, some parents are not longer with us. Some live many miles away – and in many cases some live just down the street or even in the same home – but the big challenge these days from parents is the quest to know what is happening in their kids lives while maintaining respectable distance. The challenge for children is having parents still involved in their lives while trying to be independent.
Distance really is not a factor. We may think it is but nowadays distance is only defined by where our mindset is relative to our parents. The truth is that the subliminal umbilical cord never really breaks. It takes the form of what we call “mother’s intuition”, “similar thought patterns”, “wow, that’s some great advice, and “how did I know you were thinking that” symptoms of association between parents and children.
I know lots of parents who struggle with figuring out the right balance between being involved “in” their kids lives and providing “insight” from the outside – and my parents are no exception 🙂
It’s like a tug of war with both parents and children holding a rope to see which side will tilt more to what they want – a shift where kids are pulled toward parents with their wants or where the parents are pulled toward the kids with their wants.
What parents seek from children is security, attachment, comfort and presence. On the other hand, kids want independence, detachment, lack of “big brother watching”, and the official jail break.
What’s unknown to children is that the rope that parents are pulling, in general, have generations behind it pulling the rope on their parent’s side which represent a series ideologies, values, traditions, and customs.
What’s unknown to parents is that the rope their children are pulling is full of new age thinking, generational gaps, unconventional attitudes, and bold risks.
What I ask of parents is – if you were once a child (which I know you were – and may still be at heart :-)) who at some point wanted to “break away” from your parents, why is it that you want to be “in control” of your own kids.
Isn’t it unfair to treat your kids the way that you treated your own parents – and again, don’t get me wrong here – I believe both parties need each other. The big question is: can life we lived by creating, upbringing and financially supporting children, and developing a mindset that “breaks away” from them without emotional attachment – the same way that some parents broke away from their parents?
This mindset of detachment is the key to surviving the years when either parent or child is not going to be around.
The Laws of Tradition work only up to a certain extent that one family members breaks away from the norm. For example, if families have a tradition of living in joint families, and one married child moves into his or her own home breaking this family Law of Tradition – we basically have a great shift in thinking that will have repercussions for all the family members.
What happens is that what we thought was the Law of Tradition and the way things should be, can now be broken and experimented with. Now, the Big Issue is when the parent that breaks away from the joint family has children who get married and want them to be part of their joint family.
Well, the Law of Tradition can work if children are open to it but the chess game becomes one of “well, you didn’t – so why should I?” if the child so chooses to raise this issue – and, he or she has every right to do so.
This is but one example of the generational tug-of-war that we deal with that causes tension in the relationship between children and parents. Elements of security, independence, attachment, detachment, etc. all come into play creating a melting pot of anxiety that does more harm than good.
So, what to do? Well, the big thing is to understand is that there is no tug-of-war if both or one side drops the rope. Dragging kids to one side may provide some wins for parents – and likewise – in some cases kids will drag parents in to their side providing wins. But winning is temporary joy for either party as force is used to pull others to their side of thinking.
The only way to coexist with each other is not to pick up the rope – but to let go. Not let go of each other permanently – but to create space between each other without holding on to anything – and not letting go in such as way that it makes the other person fall. When we cling on to each other we are attached to others emotions and attitudes and it’s this clinging that gives us pain in the long run. So, to alleviate pain we have no choice but to let go of the bond.
I know this principle of space is something difficult for parents to understand but rule is simple to follow and involves the following shift: from command and control to collaboration and empowerment.
Command and control leads to withdrawal. No child wants to be controlled. The key to living in the relationship, especially when they become adults, is for parents to:
- Empower children to make their own decision by providing insight without giving answers. There is no point telling kids what to do. Let them figure it out.
- Eliminate wants and instead collaborate to meet children’s vision. Goals are personal, not yours. Understand what your kids want and help them achieve it.
- Stop questioning motives, and instead provide compliments for positive results and constructive feedback for failures. No point scolding kids for screwing up. This doesn’t solve anything. Explore lessons learned and let them adopt them.
- Understand that old ideologies are replaced by new thinking. Seek to understand and explore why kids think the way they do. There must be a reason being this.
- Let children develop their own life-style. So what if you live in a mansion and they want to live in a hut.
- Let children be themselves. The key here is to eliminate what you want them to be. They already know who they are and don’t need anyone to tell them. Let them discover themselves.
- Learn to dance with them to their own rhythm. There is no point introducing a new beat. You were there when they crawled, then walked, then ran. Why is it that you now want to step on your children’s toes in their dance of life and cause them to stumble?