Here is a common question arising in the heads of dating couples when it comes to figuring out whether the next step makes sense to “tie the knot” – what are the chances that marriage will survive because dating is so much fun and why should we spoil our current known state of happiness to what is potentially unknown?
The faltering of the mind to take action from what is known to what is unknown will be one of the greatest challenges we have in life. We like security in what is known and don’t want to take risks based on unforeseeable situations.
There is however, one common factor that makes us go date after date with the same person, go out with friends, and hang out with the same folks in the workplace or in school and is present in ALL relationships in some form or fashion: commitment.
By commitment, I mean having some interest and setting time to take action for yourself. The bonds of humanity vary from one relationship to another and in some cases your commitment to another person may be stronger or weaker than others but a bond does exist by default of association.
Friendship is built on commitment of two people to meet and hang out. Work is commitment to collaborate with others to meet customer needs. If you look at dating, all it really is are two people making a commitment to get to know one another – nothing more. At the end of the day you can break free anytime – hence, it is only temporary commitment.
So what do you need to shift dating from temporary commitment to permanent commitment? I define temporary commitment as some form of dedicated action one person take toward another to satisfy some personal goal or objective only and up to a point where there is no interest to continue the relationship any further allowing you to break away anytime, and for any reason.
The key here is dedication with the idea that you can break away anytime. With temporary commitment, one major thing to keep in mind is that there is no obligation to maintain the longevity of the relationship.
So lets look at marriage – can it be temporary commitment like dating? The answer for the most part is yes. Isn’t it common to see marriages breaking up for any reason out there in the world from “just lost interest in each other”, “poor communication” to “irreconcilable differences?”
You can break away and divorce your partner anytime for any reason – this is why most, if not, all marriages are temporary. If you go into a relationship with the idea that it will be temporary – it likely will be!
The most interesting element that is not really talked much in marriage which is one of the reasons why some marriages last and others do not is this: duty that each partner in the relationship must have to one another. What many couples have proven is that it is much easier to break away than really stay together.
You can’t really break away from family since you are born into family. You can run from family but you sure can’t hide. You can run from friendship and hide. You can run from marriage and hide. You can run from work and hide.
One problem in dating is that the element of duty is not abided to. If it was every dating relationship will turn into a permanent committed relationship.
I mean is there a clearly defined doctrine of dating? Look, marriage says you shouldn’t cheat on your spouse but who says you can’t do that while you date? Marriage says you need to respect, share, and partner with you spouse on decision making, but who says you need to do that when you date?
What is dating really telling you and how much dating is enough? Is love realized when you date or when you marry? Where is the book of law that stipulates a rulebook of when dating passes the test so you can get married? Furthermore, and more intriguing, is whether you know what you are signing up for in marriage.
If you think one of the elements to sustain a marriage is commitment – you are partially correct. But this needs to be combined with duty to each other. Commitment is so sub-par this days. We say were are committed in our dating relationship yet do things on the side to break the relationship. Duty is more service-oriented and creates a deeper permanent bond.
So what is duty in marriage? Here is a breakdown of the 3 most important duties, in my opinion, keeping in mind that you want to get married in the first place:
- Acceptance of all current and future imperfections of your partner due to, but not limited to, aging, health, childhood upbringing, culture, religion, family, children, and finances.
- Owning, taking responsibility for, and effectively managing everything created now and in the future of the relationship such as children, trust, financial hardship, jealousy, communication, home, tension, stress, and anger.
- Giving, in many cases more, to your partner without accepting anything in return such as labor, love and gifts.
In many cases, we do things selfishly to take care of our needs first over the needs of our partner. Duty in marriage is organically contractual and what is not written is that you are to provide unconditional service to your partner.
Duty shows that you will perform whatever action it takes to sustain the relationship despite any shortcoming of your partner. Duty is honesty. Duty is righteous action. Duty is service to another.
The truth to be realized is that by fulfilling duty toward your partner, you create an environment of greater satisfaction, joy and bliss. Fulfillment of duty is something learned subliminally through action. Try it and you will see what benefits it reaps for your relationship.