A big issue I am seeing with some relationships these days is the struggle between control and understanding. Couples who are struggling to get along generally have one of the following two scenarios:
- One person in the relationships wants to have the other person, who is more understanding, in control; there is frustration from both sides as one party wants more control and feels some resistance and the other party succumbs to unhappiness due to lack of liberty
- Both people are control-freaks unable to communicate properly and have no understanding between each other; each day is a boxing match on who can outwit, outsmart, and out-punch the other
The breakdown of marriages in today’s society is leading some to believe that we are headed to a marriage apocalypse which will be dominated – in simple words – by single people. Afterall, when you are are single, who cares about being in a “real” relationship and establishing understanding with another. Being single is being in full control of yourself – it’s more real.
Now, now – before I get all giddy about how happy I am as a single, straight male, Indian – I do need to give a shout out of sympathy to those folks struggling in relationships, unable to effectively communicate, and to summarize – in a toxic partnership. Please accept my humble apologies – but do try to do something to remedy your situation.
Look, relationships take work – but a relationship is not supposed to be torture. The struggle between controlling another individual to meet your needs and establishing understanding with your partner to meet your needs is the difference between those relationships that are blissfully happy and those that are pathetically sad.
I can’t tell you how many times I come across couples who don’t get this. One person in the relationships is telling another what to do, how to do it, how to breathe, how to eat, how to live – how is it that your partner will ever establish some sense of independence?
One of the realities of the words boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, husband, wife, significant other, etc. is that it connotes some sort of bond – establishment of union – togetherness. These words mean that you are couple; that you are not TWO people, but ONE relationship.
The problem these days with these words is that they are unnecessarily creating a subliminal contractual bond when we use them. So you start to do everything together. You forget about others, and are just in the world between you and your partner.
So what happens? As time starts to move on and the wonder-lust dust settles, you then start to take advantage of the other person since they are ALWAYS around. You boss around each other, You talk back to each other. Who cares about respecting one another – afterall – you are husband and wife, girlfriend and boyfriend – you are in a subliminal contractual relationship. The relationship now sucks and it is difficult to get out so you just stick with each other, continuously breath down each other’s neck, and hope for the best.
The difficulty and challenge in relationships these days is increasing the need for understanding. Men and women make more money nowadays. Men and women are becoming highly educated. More men and women are becoming highly independent. More men and women are becoming financially independent. Surrounding each of these areas are some key factors that can influence the negative direction of relationship: desire, greed, and ego.
The only way that relationships will last nowadays is only if there is greater understanding from both sides – period. If there is a controlling nature from any one party to another, you will see the life sucked out of the relationship since the unhappiness of one person will lead to the downfall of the union.
If there are two control freaks running wild with their big fat egos, you will see the relationship crumble like a house of cards since the root foundation of the relationship will not be strong.
Building understanding takes a ton of work. If you can’t figure out a way to incorporate more understanding and less control, perhaps – just perhaps – your relationship may survive – but you then need to tackle the question of your own happiness.