Many of us are caught up in the whirlwind tug-of-war of satisfying our parents needs to get married while giving up our so-called sense of independent freedom. In many Indian cultures, and cultures world-wide there is a large-scale phenomenon that is taking shape driven by the rituals, traditions, and so-called “everyone-else-is-doing-it-so-you-must-too” doctrines that drive unnecessary pressure to settle.
To put it bluntly – the pressure to get married and “settle down” is seen by many as the means to achieve the greater truth, to boldly to go where no man has dared to go, and pursue actions of bondage and procreation that may really not even be in their cards.
It makes me wonder what goes on inside parent’s heads that drives them to position the chess pieces in life to make their children behave in a manner that, if they don’t take a particular action – they are check-mated!
This is huge conundrum for children these days that puts undue pressure on them and places the seeds of negativity between them and their parents.
What I think parents miss out in the cloudiness of the familial hierarchy of command and control, particularly in some Indian and like-Indian cultures, is that their satisfaction of needs comes first, without even considering the needs of their children – regardless of age.
There are some true “no-duh” facts out there in the world about marriage that we need to be cognizant of:
- There are many marriages that are healthy, joyful and happy, while at the same time marriages that are extremely violent, painful and stressful
- There are marriages that are simply surviving on the legs of a single partner, meaning one person is doing all the work and the other is just tagging along
- There are marriages that actually have no life in them what-so-ever; this is what I call the wet wood relationships where not even a spark will light up the log
- There are miserable single people out who are cursing life because they just can’t find a partner, and then there are single people who are enjoying themselves to the point that the only thing they can do is a carry a big fat smile everyday and enjoy their sense of freedom.
- The divorce rate is sky-rocketing to a point that nearly 50% of marriage relationships are destined to break up
Failing to recognize what children want in life and the undue pressure of making them settle down for the very reason that it is the “right thing to do” or the “right time” or the “you are not getting any younger” is one of the biggest lies that can be told to a child.
Here is why. Finding a partner is not supposed to be rocket science. Those that are meant to be with someone will just know it and find it – and time is no barrier. You can get out there and meet a lot of potential partners but going the next step has to be a deep personal decision that has to be rooted in the child, not the parent.
The most important element in transcending the joy of being single is extending that very joy in the relationship that you are destined to be with. Truth be known, this relationship could be the very love you develop within yourself.
To bring my point full circle, one has to be very happy with themselves, and in a relationship experience the very same genuine sense of happiness.
In my opinion, the only way a relationship will survive these days, is if the happiness is inter-dependent. Inter-dependence means that your happiness is not based on the relationship alone. You can be part of the relationship and be happy, but you are also happy outside the relationship.
If you are relying on your partner for happiness, you are in a co-dependent relationship and this bodes trouble as true happiness can only be found within, not from someone. In this case, it’s better to be independent and happy.
For this very reason, the pressure that parents put on children has to be re-evaluated. We have to look deep into our children’s eyes and first make sure that they are extremely happy independently. Without this base level of independent happiness, co-dependent happiness will be difficult to achieve as the foundation of marriage happiness is independent happiness – and if you settle for whatever comes your way you may actually give up your very own happiness.
The irony with parents, particularly Indian parents, is that they can’t settle for anything but a straight-As from their kids including that ivy league education, the shiny Mercedes, and not to mention that perfect house, with the perfect white fence and manicured backyard to go with it.
Why is it that parents pressure children to settle down for anyone when they are not just settling for what is average or ordinary in their very own life?
The point of settling is to accept either what you have right now or once you attain something that is desirable without compromising your happiness regardless of imperfections. One thing from parent’s behaviors that some children learn is that perfection is the only thing to settle for in material objects. The difficult think is understanding how to accept those things that are imperfect, that will break down in time, or that don’t make you whole.
Settling is just another way of just taking the second best thing in town. If this was the case, why not live in an ordinary home, drive an ordinary car, or settle for that community college where they can send their kid and save some money for the same or even better level of education as a 4 year college.
But no, parents have to settle for what is the best. So, why can’t the kids? I personally feel the only way to win this war is to settle for you see is best for yourself, without any parental influence, regardless of time. They may know what is best for you, but only you know what is BEST for you.
Here is my advice to parents who are forcing their kids to settle. First, back off! Second, shift to the right or left to let the kids pass by. Third, let go. What is to be realized here is that there is an inner joy of light that can be quickly extinguished by settling for just someone instead of taking your time.
My advice for kids is to do what makes you happy. Not everyone has to get married or have kids. This is a changing world. There are more divorces than ever before. There are more unhappy relationships due to significant stresses that are in our daily lives.
The bright side is that there are many happy relationships as well. But it may pay in time to discover this. You may have to wait a long time, but it will come, and you may have to realize that you will have to give up some things, such as having kids, to discover this.
In the end, would you rather be with something that is an extension of your happiness, makes you feel happy, accepts you wholeheartedly for who you are, or do you want to settle for someone just to marry to have kids, live life to a time-timetable, and end up being miserable for the rest of your life? The decision is in your hands.
Listen to your heart. Keep what parents say in perspective. They will never see things from your side of view. Do what is best – and remember – the joy that is born within can only be kept lit by you. Don’t let anyone else extinguish this light.