There have been situations where I get so irritated by the questions people ask me. If you are like me, you probably get that extra boost of irritation when your parents ask you certain open-ended questions to stir up discussion. Some of the general questions from them that make the top of my list are:
- Where are you going?
- What are you doing?
- Why are you doing that?
- Why are you going out?
- What about your future?
There are countless questions like these out there that start with why and what! What’s funny is that as parents age, the questions they ask get more and more irritating. When you are younger they will be inquisitive about your general nature, like why you are not eating your veggies or why are you driving like that, and then as you get older they will start to question you about relationships, jobs, friends, key milestones and all the other goodies that make up our life.
Have you really looked at why these kinds of questions may be annoying? I was actually geeking out about this very question when my dad asked me a series of questions that seemed to rev me up! It wasn’t the fact that he is a parent and just needs to know something. It’s somehow part of his parental DNA to be inquisitive about his child – and I get it – to look after my well-being.
However, what I have discovered is that there are fine lines that we as humans cross that create irritation. It is more than the comfort zone we have in a relationship with the individual – it has more to do with the nature of the question behind the question. It boils down to what will be done by the parent or whomever asking the question with the information from the answer – the difference between really what they really need to know and what is nice to know.
As a recipient of a question, my question is what is really the motive behind the question? Are you wondering why I am doing something because you want me to do something else? Are you wondering why I am hanging out with certain friends because you don’t like those friends? Are you wondering where I am going because you want me around to cure your sense of loneliness?
What is important to understand is that we all have boundaries around ourselves – it’s our natural outer shell that we are born with. This shell is hard and soft in some relationships and in many cases the questions we ask do penetrate this shell and hence contributes as the cause behind our irritation. To me, I have realized that parents or people in general don’t want to be blunt. They are trying to be somewhat polite and in doing so try to ask around what they really want by asking some open-ended questions to stir up conversation without trying to get right to the meat of the matter.
I think we just need to get right to the point about our questions. Let’s all cut the middle crap and get right to the chase. If you have a need to know something, then make it clear through your inquiry about what you want to know. Assumptions made through open-ended general questions are irrelevant and lead to long-winded scattered discussions ultimately providing no value to either party.
Here are some ideas for actions we can take to reduce other people’s irritation. These ideas are more focused towards those things that stir up irritation upon asking a particular question rather than an individual’s particular state going into the inquiry. These ideas may not solve every irritating question, but they can certainly help control it:
- Get real about what the motive is behind the question you are asking. Are you seeking answers to compare your situation with the one you are asking? Think about what the other person will feel if you ask the question. Do you need to know how someone’s marriage is going, so you can draw comparisons with yours? Do you need to know how much sex someone is having or is this just nice to know to satisfy your own ego? Do you need to know how many calories someone is consuming, so you can gauge how fat or how thin they are compared to your body?
- Assess the quality of your relationship with the person you are questioning. Symptoms of irritation likely revolve around the quality of your relationship. If you have a more formal relationship with someone – one where there is no open dialogue on issues even if in the family – don’t expect anyone to open up to you with answers to questions you want, even if they are a child. Respect the space the child or person is operating under as you are likely the contributor to creating that space.
- Provide value to the person you are asking the question. People want advice and really good advice. People don’t want criticism through questions, they want constructive feedback. Be ready, if needed, to provide some sort of value to the person you are directing your question to. For example, if you are a parent asking a child about their job and they say that it sucks or that they are not able to get any business leads, can you offer to help to put them in touch with the right people, contacts, or just good advice? If you can’t help them out, think twice about asking them the question.
- Recognize the symptoms of irritation and immediately stop asking the question. You will notice some moanin’ and some groanin’ on the part of the person immediately. It will be some sort of a whining tone. They may even squint their eyes. The immediate signal will be a raised voice on their part saying something like “why do you want to know that?” Listen to these signals. They are uncomfortable with your question and want you to back off. Stop poking needles into the situation and making things worse. I understand, as a parent it will be tough to back out. Let the child come to you about their problem – and when they do – open up your arms with love. This applies to anyone in general as well.
- Get right to the point with your wants. Be blunt and specific with your question. Don’t try to run around the other person. If you have a particular need to know something – put the question right out there. You will save yourself time and get a faster response. Oh – and when you do – keep an open mind to the response.