Here’s a question to think about: If the whole idea of marriage is based on the concept of companionship between two people, what is the point of having children?
Is it to confirm, solidify, and extend the level of companionship to define it now as family?
Is to satisfy a hunger for happiness for the couple to be provided by the children?
Is it to satisfy parents so they can now be called grandparents?
Or is it something more?
The answer to this intricate question can be endless. I will leave it to you to probe the answer, but if we look at the concept of companionship and mix it with children, doesn’t this seem contradictory?
Let’s look at the simple formula – two independent beings creating another being that is now becomes dependent on the two independent beings.
What happens to the concept of companionship in this situation when you bring children into the picture? Sometimes as time progresses the dependency of this child on the two independent beings grows over the years whereby the two independent beings cease to be independent themselves and their happiness together is now defined by the amount of time they are contributing to raising their now “dependent-on-them” children. It may sound confusing – basically, we say that the marriage shifts from the couple to the children.
The level of companionship slowly fiddles away and what happens over time, once children move out? The married couple somehow loses their sense of being a couple – it’s as if things have totally shifted from the way things were in the early days of their relationship when they were goo goo ga ga totally dependent on each other. They can now only have dinners with friends. They can only travel in groups because they just feel they need other people. They seek more “pre-occupiedness” where women are out shopping more and men are out playing golf more as an excuse to be out of each others hair. In others words, couples become focused on attaining happiness outside of their relationship rather than being able to attain fulfillment inside it.
The definition of themselves as a couple is defined by who they hang around with. Somehow bringing children into their relationship has shifted their focus from toward each other to away from each other. Weird, huh?
If the purpose of marriage is companionship and finding happiness with each other, why do couples seek happiness outside of it? Isn’t it the point that they live happily ever after? This means they be mutually dependent or in others words interdependent with each other for happiness. But somehow external forces like the act of having children wreaks havoc in their quest to live happily ever after.
Look at one truth that is evident in a family – not a single person even created genetically by two family members is the same. Each family member has their own characteristics, thoughts, feelings, interests, hobbies, etc. We are each different yet we think we are dependent on each other and hence society puts a label of “completeness” on us in the form of calling us “family” when we really are just a group of individuals brought together to hang out for life.
There are numerous reasons why marriages fall apart. One of the reasons why marriages break is simply the motive for jumping into it in the first place. Our motives are sometimes clouded. We make the mistake of going into it for example to just have children, to satisfy the doctrine of family, to keep our parents and friends happy, to not be lonely, to attain that sparkling diamond ring – all this creates more pain for ourselves. Our expectations in the relationship then falls apart as we are not able to see through the cloud of unhappiness that we actually initiated.
Lets peel the onion back a little. Realize that you are are an independent individual regardless of whether you are in a marriage or not. Realize getting into a relationship is not giving up individuality. The action of engaging in marriage is a personal decision and not for everyone. I personally am indifferent to either position. Your duty in marriage is not to continuously turn your partner’s “happiness switch” to on – it is your partner’s duty to control their own emotions to attain a satisfaction of happiness themselves. You can’t be responsible for controlling emotions and “giving” your partner happiness and you can’t expect that from your partner.
What should you expect? Your partner’s ability to foster an environment where you can find your own happiness and help them find theirs. How do you do that? Here are some ideas to think about:
- Think about the motive behind the relationship before committing in the long run. If you have any doubts about the relationship or if your guard is up, don’t go any further. These doubts will creep up on you and torture you if you get deeper into the relationship.
- Stop bitchin’ about the relationship once you get committed. You are dealing with an extra person in your life and this level of complexity adds to complexity. This is when the saying “two brains are better than one” is contradictory. Just understand it and accept it. Aggregation of complaints adds up to aggregation of pain. If you are so desperate for companionship, get a dog if you can’t handle another human.
- Realize you and your partner are not perfect. Seize this as an opportunity to create a life that is. Take actions that enforce the well-being of each other and feed off of this.
- Create space in the relationship but don’t fill it up with an affair. Realize that you need to do things independently of each other the way you were before committing. Buy homes that have more than one room and more than one level. Don’t try to push to do everything together. That’s impossible. Have a guys night out or a girls night out. Don’t break the trust in the relationship when you do. Don’t make a game about it. Realize that creating space is creating togetherness.
- Keep the focus on interdependency. Let the relationship be as is – natural. Don’t formalize the relationship with an extreme showcase of public affection to show others how lovey-dovey you are as a couple. Don’t control the relationship by controlling each other. Don’t expect the other person to change for you. Don’t become dependent on the other person for happiness. Strive for complete transparency. Be good and do good toward your partner. You will find greater reward in the long run through creation of mutual dependence.
Keep these things in mind in the relationship and you will attain more satisfaction in the company of each other – or simply choose a life being single.