I once proposed a question to an orange-clad Swami – “what is the difference between a friend and an acquaintance.” I was just in my mood to seek the truth about this and I wanted to know what a learned man would say.
I provided this to a friend of mine who recorded the question and played it back to me many years ago with the answer that the Swami gave me – “a friend is a friend and an acquaintance is a an acquaintance.” Wow! I was actually expecting a much more scientific answer. Now reading this you may be wondering – jeee-weez – couldn’t have I have figured out that rocket science question on my own?!
I am not an expert in relationships, but I will tell you that there is a significant difference between friends and acquaintances. Now by friend, I mean someone whom we regard as a close friend. This is a relative term so I will leave to your discretion how you want to define “close.” The cycle by which we develop close friends is actually through the foundational premise of having them initially be an acquaintance.
Some of my most deepest friendships today are based on having them initially be an acquaintance. I may have met them through a mutual friend, work, school, philanthropy, travel, etc. What is evident is that you don’t just make friends – you first meet an acquaintance that you find interesting and then let things fall naturally to friendship. The quality of the time you spend with an acquaintance leads to friendship.
The shift from someone being an acquaintance to becoming your friend is one of the most fascinating and dynamic shifts that occurs in our lifetime. It’s the make or break of how we enjoy life. Some people even say having great friends leads to a great life.
So the question becomes, how many friends do you really need to have? My answer is simple – at least one, but unlikely more than a handful. I personally don’t know what a Best Friend Forever (BFF) really is as the person whom you may call a best friend today may not be your best friend tomorrow and the truth is that the best friend you had in elementary school is probably not your best friend today. So much for BFF.
What makes a good friend? You can ask Dale Carnegie who has written a nice book about it but I just wanted to look at it logically:
- There is this communication thing called the “what’s up” factor that you can just reach out to and see what is happening with each other. This act is not like performing a chore or hearing a squeaky wheel and you have a genuine interest to talk to each other and see what is going on from time to time.
- The relationship is not professional. You are not in the relationship for material gain. If you think you are then you are business partners.
- There is generally some sort of magnetic interest between the two individuals.
- Time is irrelevant in the relationship. You can pick up right where you left off even if it is years or days. No one is keeping score about who called when, or why they didn’t call or why an email wasn’t replied to. As soon as you do you are entering the acquaintance world.
- Distance is irrelevant but you must have had a deep and genuine relationship with the person at some point prior to the separation to ensure the relationship can be sustained.
- The interactions are frequent and not taken as intrusive. Calling everyday and asking how someone is doing and probing discussion over the same common questions (i.e,. job, family, home, relationships) will lead you toward the path of becoming acquaintances and what I call “boring buddies.” Conversations don’t have to be lengthy. If you are looking at your watch every time someone calls or hangs out with you it indicates they are an acquaintance.
- The relationship connection is real. The person is there for you and able to help you through a situation.
- You have to go out and spend time with each other. I met one of my closest friends on a plane travelling to an international destination. We both have a zest for travel and realized other commonalities. While we don’t chat everyday we have made a point to meet up once a month and hang out.
- The impression the person first has on you, will be the draw to make them at least an acquaintance. If you are socializing at a party and ask a person you just met what they do professionally and their response is “I work” without context to really what they really do is indicative that they are 1. inconsiderate 2. have poor social skills, 3. not really interested in you or 4. providing clues that they belong to the bottom of your acquaintance list. Watch for these clues from others when you are meeting people.
Making really good friends is not science. It shouldn’t take a lot of work to make great friendships – it should just happen and if it doesn’t with the person you are trying with, there is no need to panic as there are plenty of other folks out there you are destined to meet.
If you are doing a ton of work to keep the relationship going or expecting something in return from others – stop! You are just wasting energy – the relationship will just fizzle away naturally. Focus on just being out there and meeting new people and you will start clicking with others. This is energy well spent.
There is no score keeping in close friendship. There is no formalities in close friendship There is no such thing as one person doing all the work to organize events. If you keep score about this or any other things, you are on the path to becoming acquaintances.
Look deep within your relationships. You will realize that majority of the folks in your life are really just acquaintances. This may sound like I am generalizing but I just can’t see a party where there 250 close friends of the host. How many of the 250 people will really stay back to clean up? How many of the 250 people will really be there for you at a time of crisis? The reality – one or a handful.
Those folks that will really be there for you will be limited and special – you will just know – these are the relationships you want to hold on to and cherish. These people are real. The connections are real. You can be yourself and so can they. You can be open and say anything. There is deep respect. There is no sugar-coating the relationship. The friendship is what it is – genuine.