The perfect relationship is upon you. The secret to finding this is not by searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right which is what everyone in the world is doing. Finding the right person for you begins by finding the right you inside. If you continuously find flaws in others, this just means there are some potential flaws in you. If you can’t be with one person, it just means you truly enjoy your own company. If your definition of Mr. or Mrs. Right is anyone that beckons to your calls and whimsy, then you are in some serious trouble, as you may be thinking way too highly of yourself.
The Anatomy of Your Desires combined with the Anatomy of an Object’s Attraction provides context to what drives and attracts your needs. What we learn is that all objects – people or things – are ever changing and non-lasting. As we progress in life with these objects, there will be a point in time that the object will disappear, transform, transfer, morph, or be destroyed. So, while you may think there is something as a perfect relationship, this is a figment of your imagination – as the perfect relationship is only as perfect as you see it at a particular point in time, with your must current emotional feeling.
Now, let me not get your hopes down. Particularly, you folks in love-lusting relationships, marriages on fire, or just those people interested in settling down one day. There is only one way to enjoy each other’s company, continue the fire, and sustain the relationship: to realize that you are whole, complete and by not giving anything up you don’t lose anything to your partner but gain more wholesomeness and completeness by simply giving to them without expecting anything in return. This is a rule that is practiced both ways. Both partners must be whole and complete to be sustainable.
The biggest challenge that we find in pursuit of the perfect relationship with others is that we must somehow be involved in fulfilling their needs, at the sacrifice of not fulfilling our needs. This is the tug-of-war that we continuously play with our mind. It’s the scarcity thinking that we are giving something up for ourselves by giving something to them – and not getting anything back in return. Both parties fall victims to their neediness and no one wins. One person tries to fulfill the other person and they get frustrated as nothing keeps the other person happy. You keep trying to make them happy, and they can’t get happy – because they are 100% responsible for making themselves happy – not you!
Due to the complexity of the human mind, it is impossible – even being in association with others – that we can fully meet another person’s needs, if even our own. We may believe that the intent of marriage is about need fulfillment, but this is misleading as tying the knot is not about giving yourself up to another person to support them. This is the biggest mistake people make about marriage – that it is about the other person giving in to them while they don’t need to give anything away.
As humans, we don’t want to be controlled by others through certificates, policies, and laws. The marriage certificate as a default attempts to bind ourselves to another person breaking you away from your “state of freedom to self” and instead more to into a “state of association with another” – and this is the very problem with marriage.
I am actually growing to like cultures where couples can live together and enjoy the benefits of raising kids together without marriage. Being Indian, the thought of this is somewhat outrageous since marriage is a coveted and spiritual act, but not getting married may be practical for the following reasons:
- Growth is essential to oneself and if you are bound to another person through doctrine, growth becomes difficult
- We came into this world alone and will go alone
- Anything shared with another person is an event, never an experience
- We were always nomadic beings – moving is essential to our genes – so why remain static, bound, and caged, when real living is dynamic, ever-flowing, and free?
- Fulfillment of all needs (even sexual) can be done individually and is nothing you really need from another person
- You can have and raise kids outside of any relationship
The truth is the only perfect relationship that ever exists is the one you have with yourself – but for kicks, lets dive into the ideal, winning, flourishing, connected, and sustained relationship with another.
There is only one case which comes to mind why you should continue to be in a relationship. The feeling of happiness you derive in relationship to the other person is exactly the same or greater as the happiness you derive when you are by yourself.
This is it. Plain and simple.
The very problem we have in society today is the definition of the word marriage. Merriam Webster defines it as “the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.”
This very definition is the flaw between the whole concept of relationship through marriage – the flaw being is that having laws is contradictory to the way we want to live. The other issue being that it is consensual and contractual – I know marriage is a choice but we don’t want to sign up for anything as that makes us accountable which again goes against our human nature.
It is because we enter into law and contracts that we become unhappy as laws and contracts are not sources of happiness – the source of happiness being boundary-less laws and loose-contracts.
I will push for a redefinition of marriage as:
A relationship that exists without being tied to doctrine of law, contracts, religion, or creed; whereby the state of happiness of one spouse by themself, is the same as or greater in relationship with the other spousal party; whereby the existence and strength of the relationship is determined by giving to one another without expecting anything in return; whereby there is no existence of distrust, greed, anger, hatred, jealousy, violence, and ego between the spousal parties; and whereby each party enters into, preserves, and enters out of the relationship as whole and complete beings.
There are few things in the my definition that I believe can make any relationship last – and if it doesn’t – at lease it will help you move on:
- It is based on unconditional giving. When you give without expecting anything, you get much more in return
- It is not based on contracts or consent: it exists as is without doctrine to any policy; a marriage certificate or prenuptial agreement as tools to unnecessary bind you, not free you
- It is based on a state of happiness coming into the relationship. This state is the same or greater in relation with the other party.
- It is based on the laws of abundance – where you are always whole and complete and no person will ever make you whole and complete.
- It is based on the tenants of the laws of non-violence whereby there is no harm, ego or negative energy.
As mentioned in the anatomy of desires, all people are entitled to find their source of happiness. This “finding” is a continuous journey – it’s the reason why we live. Realize that people will be with you, but may pass you by to find their source of happiness. There is no other way but to accept this and allow yourself never to have regrets for giving (or not giving) to the other.
When you give it your all to a relationship without expecting – this is an indicator that you are full and abundant. Relationships consisting of people who are full and abundant can thrive together. When one person has a “glass half-full” mentality and the other a “glass half-empty” you will always have one party wanting more from the other or looking for completeness through the other which will create problems.
The fun of relationships are when both parties compliment each other toward’s each other’s growth – to be free to do and act as you please – in collaboration and cooperation with one another – but not being bound, knotted, or tied down.
If the feeling of happiness is not within you in the presence of the other person it is sadly a signal to find sources of happiness outside of the relationship. You should have the liberty to do this without getting the label of being called “divorced” or an “ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend, ex-wife”. Who really cares about these labels – these titles are simply expressions of freedom as they allow you to break away from one another.
The key is to break away without regret or guilt for yourself or toward the other person. To break away, and have your shoulder firm on your head while keeping the head of your spouse up – is the most dignified way to move on. We need to learn to give love to their other people by letting them be. Do not force any situation as it will jeopardize your position.
You need to understand that rejection is a wonderful thing – that a divorce is a wonderful thing. A rejection is not on you personally. You are just not compatible or good fit for the other person – or if they are not ready – is the universe’s way of saying to move toward another source of happiness. You need to be patient to realize this. Don’t worry. Don’t be impatient. It will be a long road – but it will come.
Be kind to those who don’t like you, or don’t want to be with you. It doesn’t matter that they don’t like you or want to move one – what matters is that you love them for rejecting you – as this gift of rejection is the present to you for finding your real self, your real partner. Without a rejection, you won’t realize this. Be patient and you will aspire to find your source of happiness and the perfect relationship.