In my life I have come across several kinds of people who have developed or not developed into friendships:
- Those who liked me at first – and still like me
- Those who didn’t like me at first – and still don’t like me
- Those who liked me at first – only to grow toward not liking me
- Those who didn’t like me at first – and grew to like me
It’s funny how relationships – particularly friendships – work. Is it magic that we get along with someone? Or some sort of curse that we don’t?
I can honestly admit that the friends I had in college were all passing relationships for some reason. I don’t know why? Perhaps a symptom of incompatibility, mine or their immaturity, or simply not meant to me.
In comparison to my dad – who I deeply respect – I know he has been in touch with college friends for the past 50+ years and that those relationships are more genuine. So the question ultimate is – what creates a genuine friendship?
One thing clear about this age and generation we live in is that it is easy to get distracted between online friendships you develop, and REAL face-to-face relationships. We are all seeking connection – but the limit to that connection – is all superficial.
The definition we are using to define the relationship can be driven by a few things – all on a case-by-case basis – that we use our mind to reason with that shapes the meaning and “binding” of relationship:
- We have simply thought about the person
- We are sending a message via text or email or writing a letter asynchronously
- We call the person up making an audible synchronous connection
- We video conference them and make an audible and visual synchronous connection
- We meet face-to-face and make an audible, visual, and personal connection
I have written in the past that the best friendships are those that grow organically and where meeting face-to-face is vital towards relationship sustainability. I still stand by this. I am seeking the answer as to what makes a relationship genuine?
What makes us want to be or not want to be in a friendship? Why are we not liked or liked by others? These are the questions – and to begin exploring them we need to make two observations about the people we “hang” out with:
- Observation 1: People will complain about 1, 2, lots, or everything about you
- Observation 2: People will appreciate 1, 2, lots, or everything about you
As you count the number of those points either on the positive or negative side about you, you may have more people who know who crib about you, than appreciate you – and vice versa.
Let’s set aside the number as it is not as significant as the following magical question: What if the only person who appreciated everything you did – was you?
Does self-appreciation trump any appreciation someone sends your way? Moreover, does self-appreciation trump the number of folks who complain about you?
It is a natural phenomenon for people to gravitate toward others that uplift, motivate, inspire, enlighten them, than those who condescend, taunt, and annoy them.
The fine art to discovering the genuine friendship is the connection of two people showing that they can uphold one another without putting the other down. In other words, not taking things personally. You may be thin-skinned and take things personally but all that means is that you need to be in friendships where your insecurity is not jeopardized. You may be thick-skinned but that doesn’t mean you can bully anyone as those people who are more insecure will be drawn away from you.
The main thing to keep in mind is that as long as you can be a positive influence on others – other people will gravitate toward you. Your actions much be sound. You words sweet and your thought pure. If others see this – it is impossible for them to overlook your highest intent of being a great person.
If only people would just understand that you really only need a handful of genuine friends to be happy. You can find this. The great thing about life is that those relationships are not something you need to work so hard to uphold. They will just appear naturally and you have to be ready to embrace it. If this is a challenge, get ready as all you need to do is practice being happy in your own company.