One of the things I love about being Indian is partaking in the diverse range of activities that make up the culture. From food, dance, Bollywood movies, theater, yoga, song to language there is just so much going on.
However, the Washington DC metro area, like so many other major cities in the US, has exploded with a continuous barrage of Indian cultural activities that makes it way too painstaking to attend. What is happening is that there is just too much inundation of culture that things are becoming a bit annoying – at least for me – particularly when you think you need to be dragged into cultural events that parents and friends are participating in.
Setting aside any cultural affiliation, a dilemma many of us face is making others happy at the cost of our own happiness without hurting the feelings of those very close to us.
What has happened over the years is that the Indian population has increased to a point that over a weekend one can go through whole slew of weekend “Desi” activities from going to the temple, Gurudwara or mosque, enjoying an extensive Sunday brunch buffet of chat, sabzis (vegetables), and masala dosa, catching up with a friend for masala chai (tea), seeing a Bollywood movie and still making in time (which is really inconsequential to those who believe in IST – Indian Standard Time) to “Uncle Raj’s” party for more food and merriment.
According to the Economic Times, there are currently 3.34M Indo-Americans in the United States. The population has shot up 76% since the turn of the century – a huge rise in population likely driven by good paying jobs and educational opportunities in the US.
Now, if you are like me and have a mom who is active in the Indian community from arranging cultural programs to selling tickets to live theater events and going from one Indian event to another – a dilemma does arise – as to which event you need to go to that are in line with your own personal interests.
Do you go – and sit in pain through something that really doesn’t interest you to make another person happy?
OR
Do you refrain from attending – be the likely “talk of the family” – and carry on with a big smile on your face?
It has come to this point in my life, where I only feel like doing those things that interest me – plain and simple. Moreover, I just want to be around those people and activities that I find interesting. It’s even more fun if those folks I am hanging out with are as eccentric as me!
The Indian culture is largely based on respect for elders parents and other family members. Education is placed on high prestige – and let’s get real – parents want to look good and want their kids to excel so they can indeed look good in front of others.
At times, it’s unclear to me whether I am living for myself or others – and I am sure there are thousands of proud US-born Indian kids out there dealing with this situation up front just like me. At times, it’s unclear what line I can cross so I can live my life doing what I want (even if it is nothing) than doing something that just doesn’t interest me.
I believe life should lived in simple ways and the hustle and bustle of too many social things is just bit too much and bit tiring. We are not living in India – this is the US – and while I have to give credit to my parents, when I was growing up, to try to create a cultural environment as they were growing up in India – we are still living in the US – and it’s impossible to partake in all things Indian all the time.
I want to be loyal to myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling but folks need to look at it both ways. It’s not that I don’t want to be unsupportive or disrespectful to my parents but my logic is as follows – why should I go through the pain of tormenting myself and giving up my joy for the sake of other’s when I can just be happy with myself?
So, how do you balance keeping others happy without losing your sense of balance in life (i.e., your happiness). The tips I am going to provide are applicable to any culture. Here is my formula:
- Understand that there will always be situations where one person is unhappy with your lack of presence. They will say things like “well, you should have come because….” Or “that’s a lame excuse.” Realize that you are not responsible for making others happy – even your parents, relatives, or close siblings. If an action is taken for happiness, it should be done not to show off or receive an accolade.
- Draw a fine line to where it really counts and the role people play. I am not saying not to make every event that a friend or family member participates in. Yes, go if you are interested but think about the role people are playing. If my nephews are up on stage, you better believe I will be in audience as it gives me joy to see them perform a dance or recital – this is interesting. If my mom is selling tickets to a show and not really producing a show, I would a bit reluctant to attend as I personally don’t have any real connection to what is being produced.
- See things from other people’s perspective. Do you ever see things from the other person’s perspective – if it is a friend, family member or just a plain stranger? Would you rather have people in attendance that get real joy out of coming not just for you but what is being produced? Let’s keep the torture to a minimum.
- Don’t ever take the poison from others. Yes, I get the feeling of guilt from those around me for not showing up to events or parties – particularly those where close relatives are participating in. Again, refuse to swallow this feeling of guilt. It’s your life and do what you please.
- Get to the bottom of real motives. Most people are seeking attention or looking to fill up a room. You will see these traits subliminally in all people. Try to explore what their real motive it. Do they want you to meet others? Do they want you to feel like you are part of a larger whole? Do they just want your money? Do they not want you to feel lonely? What is it? Take this from me – just do things your way, at your own pace, and that is real motive. This is the real Jollywood dance.