In practically all regions of the world there is an accepted feeling that lying, or telling false statements, is inappropriate and leads to a continuous cycle of dishonesty.
As I was putting my thoughts together about this post, I know in some ways that I am going to contradict myself in terms of what is the right doctrine to live life by. Growing up I was informed that it is inappropriate to tell a lie but I am wondering if we can always tell the truth.
The big unknowns in life is whether you have been lied to by someone for some reason, and what the underlying motive is of those people around you with the information you give others to satisfy their curiosity. If you are like most people, there is just a feeling that someone is just not telling the truth – that the person is just “BS’in” around. There is also that feeling that some information is sacred and not to be disclosed and to be held locked up within.
I have classified two forms of lies based on our types of communications with others:
- Lie provoked due to false situations that others create: For example, you may receive that email from Nigeria that talks about your bank account being hacked and that you need to send your user ID and password immediately to the sender of the email to reset the system for access. This is of course being sent with a false email ID only to hack into your bank account. Some of us fall for this but the truth is that our account wasn’t even compromised – so why are we disclosing something personal like our ID and password to a complete stranger?
- Lie provoked due to your curiosity: For example, you asked a nosy question about what the salary of your friend’s spouse is and you receive a confirming response of $75K. You were convinced and satisfied. However years later you find out that the salary was actually $50K higher at $125K. Now you are upset that your friend didn’t tell you the truth.
In many ways we can handle those one-time BS situations that come our way fairly efficiently by quickly deleting the email or putting the phone down for those asking for our social security number, but the big dilemma these days is how to deal with nosy people, and this includes both strangers and those close to us, that ask deeply personal questions for which the information in the form of the answer is sacred.
Now, what is sacred or not sacred is a very personal matter that is driven by your level of comfort and level of association with others. Some parents may ask children if they are doing drugs, having sex, or skipping school. You may get the same set of questions from very close friends or other relatives. The answer may vary based on your level of association. You may not want to disclose everything to a parent, friend, or relative. You may just partially tell others the truth.
You are the best judge about the degree of truth you want to disclose. So, do we answer all questions truthfully or give just enough of an answer to make people go away? Moreover, how do we deal with extremely close friends that ask us very personal questions that we don’t want to disclose our deepest secrets to?
Can we lie as way to protect our ego?
Can we lie to as a way to establish our sense of dignity and pride?
Can we lie for sake of protecting our well-being?
One thing about the world we live in, that is likely unknown but may carry some truth, is that you have probably been lied to by some your closest friends, family members, and acquaintances about something – and you probably don’t even know it. Further, you have probably also not given a truthful answer about some of their inquiries.
There is wave of information out there that may be partially true, completely false, or fully true but we just don’t believe in it.
I personally feel that lying if it makes you feel extremely guilty is not the best thing. It actually creates more bad than good. In these cases you may need to use extreme caution about what to disclose and choose language diplomatically.
However, keeping this in mind, what about situations where others are curious about your personal life? The most important thing to keep in mind is what others will do with the information you provide. Will others protect your personal information? A parent may, but a close friend may not. You never know. Will your friend help you if you disclose something? They may but then may not.
The missing link is what will be done with your information and what will others think about you with the information you provide. Friends, parents all make assumptions about you. Many of these assumptions are not even true. Does it really matter in the end what others think? You need to be the best judge in this case.
Lying may be necessary in some situations where your spirit may be impacted:
- You are uncomfortable providing a truthful response due to the personal nature of the inquiry
- Your ego will be impacted
- You feel like the door of your information bank vault is being broken into
- You feel a false response is necessary to establish a sense of harmony and balance for yourself in the world
- You feel the response is only satisfying another persons need to know but carries no relevance beyond this
One thing to keep in mind is who you may be lying to and what is the role that person plays in your life. Lying to a spouse about working in the office late when you are having an innocent hook-up with a colleague will probably not be the best thing and will likely catch up with you. Lying to the tax department about undisclosed funds will likely catch up with you. There are lots more examples.
Are there specific subject areas where lying may be necessary? I actually believe there are – and these have everything to do with making other people hear what they want to hear without compromising who you really area as a person. Those individuals that truly respect you will not ask personal questions, and hence have no interest and will leave you alone. It’s those folks who are after life-style or personal interests so satisfy their own curiosity who it may be necessary to tell a half-truth or complete lie.
Here are 4 “S”ubject areas where it may be necessary to tell a complete lie or partial truth – please use discretion based on who you are talking to you and nature of discussion:
- Spousal or Significant Other issues. It is no ones business to know what is going on in your dating relationship or marriage. If people ask how things are going, the easiest response is “great” when things are actually pretty dull and boring and you may even be on the verge of a breakup or divorce. Refrain from asking people about their personal relationships. If they want to share something or seek help from you, let them bring the problem to you.
- Salary. What other people make is none of your business. There will always be others making more than you and you will be making more than others. No one has to tell you exactly how much they make so don’t even bother asking and if you do, expect a general response. I think it is perfectly fine to respond with a range but an exact figure is not necessary. I actually think there is no point asking unless you are interviewing for a job or negotiating a salary. The key thing to keep in mind is the motive behind why the person asking you how much you make – will they disclose this to someone else, use it to compare their salary to yours or try to help you to make more money? If others can’t explain why they need to know, then just say whatever.
- Sex. The question of how much sex someone is having, not having, with whom, and how frequently is deeply personal. For sake of establishing peace in the universe, feel free to let any of your friends, family members, asking you deeply personal questions about sex anything that will get them off your back, particularly if you are feeling uncomfortable about the level of inquiry. One known fact from some surveys conducted is that majority of people out there are not having sex. There are also lots of promiscuous individuals. We also know that millions of married couples out there haven’t had sex in years. Don’t let telling a lie in this area embarrass you. Others will not be able to do anything to help you in this area and there is nothing they can do with the information provided. At the end, your sex-life is deeply personal. This is not competition about how many times you have scored, not scored, failed in bed, etc. Again, refrain from asking others about their sex lives and if you do, get ready not to hear the whole truth – it’s none of your business anyways.
- Symptoms of Health. In some cases talking about a personal health issue is not something that is needed to be shared by some folks. If you ask someone how they are doing you will get the “I am fine” response even if they have a major disease or sickness. Let others open up to you about their personal health situation and let them be. If it is important for you to know something, they will tell you at the right time and just be there to provide support.
Keep in mind that there will be folks out there who will say that they don’t believe you when you are telling the lie for some of these subject areas. Be prepared for this response. They may look at you funny. They may probe further.
In these cases, you will need to stand your ground, let them not believe in you, and hold a smile within that strongly states that the most important treasure is one that you only have the right to know that defines your true-self.
At the end, what matters is what you know to be true. If you are using other people’s responses to compare your life to them, or have jealousies creep in, or have that sense of competition, you are not really living your own life – you are playing a game trying to position other people’s lifestyle to your own.
Be true to yourself, disclose the truth when necessary, but cautiously guard what information is sacred as your own personal treasure.